Saturday, October 6, 2012

I am beginning to hate the month of October

This time last year I was coming to grips with the fact that my beloved grandpas life was coming to an end.
For the last few days I have been facing the hard truth that my daddy is never going to be the daddy I grew up with.
As I sit in the hospital room with dad listening to him tell me the same story at least 10 times, help him get a drink, and whatever else he needs, I can't help but think growing up with this man as my father.
I won't paint a rosy picture of perfection. My dad was not perfect. Even now, with his addled mind, he will tell you that he had a drinking problem in his younger days.
But we knew he loved us. His way to show it was "stuff". And anyone who hurt his babies better beware.
He told me today that he was sorry. I asked for what. He said"I don't know. Everything." And then he told me the same story he told me 5 minutes earlier.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Rut. Rut. Rut.

Lately I feel like I go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed then get up and do it all again the next day. On weekends I go grocery shopping, to the store and watch. tv. Sometimes I read or crochet and of course I play in Facebook and Pintrest lands and words with friends. But I have a serious lack of actual, non work related real life contact with real live people.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and my co workers. I think my entire life I have been preparing for this job without even knowing it. I honestly don't know if I could do my job without my amazing coworkers! It is a rare find to have a boss and coworkers who help you correct your mistakes without making you feel stupid. Or maybe that's just me.
As my children have one by one gotten older and more independent it has become obvious just how much my life is entwined in theirs. It has also become very apparent that I have nurtured very few deep friendships.
A lot of this has to do with my own insecurities. I have never been one of the "cool kids". I was friends with cool kids but I wasn't really part of the group. On the outside looking in, occasionally invited, but not close enough to just walk through the front door.
So I built walls. At times I have worked to tear them down but before I know it BAM the wall goes up in record time.  I really want to permantly tear down those walls and DO SOMETHING! Be apart of something. Go in the front door like one of the family. Not sit in my living room waiting.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I know it has been a long time

And there may not be anyone out there to read this. But here goes anyway.
As you might have guessed, I took grandpa's death hard. I came to this site several times but just couldn't put my thoughts into words.
I am going to try to pick it up again and we will see where it goes.